Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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