I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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