Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
