problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
OPIZZABONMYDICK
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
