watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
