He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
