My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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