If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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