No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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