I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
