You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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