How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
