I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
