It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
