I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
