I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
