lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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