Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
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