I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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