I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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