I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
