I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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