you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Randomize
