God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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