I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
