Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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