There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
