Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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