Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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