I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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