He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In other news, I just burned my penis
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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