I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
