Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
