Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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