Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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