im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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