Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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