drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize