Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
