Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
