Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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