everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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