Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It's just like the Real World with babies
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize