Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
