Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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