"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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