No awkward lesbian experiences without me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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