Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
