When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I had to cum in my sink.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize