dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
