I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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