Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
