There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
